My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
