I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
