you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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