i jhust puked up my retainher.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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