I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
