If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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