Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
