the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
my penis made a compromise with my morals
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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