I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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