So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
