So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
