Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
