K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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