The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
