Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
