I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
