Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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