Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
