yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
