i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
