Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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