Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
