im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
