i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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