Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just invented taco cereal.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
