I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
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