The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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