On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
