The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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