Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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