you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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