I feel like abortions should bother me more
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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