Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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