ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This toilet bowl is my home.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
