so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
