I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
