why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
