shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
