She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
