laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
