we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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