Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
