His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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