This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
