My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
