I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
