you traded sex for a burrito?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
