this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
