i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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