Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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