i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
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For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
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do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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