my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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