nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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