and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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