I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
