I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
