At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
