I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
