i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
