Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
