I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
