I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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