Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
