I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
